What the hell is a farthing?

Having realized the dead man was himself, done in again by an O'Doul's, Atown Liker, in his agony, caught the spectral hand. It sought to free itself, but Liker was strong in his entreaty, and detained it. The Spirit, stronger yet, repulsed him. Holding up his hands in a last prayer to have his fate reversed, Liker saw an alteration in the Phantom's hood and dress. It shrunk, collapsed, and dwindled down into a bedpost. The bedpost was his own.
He was so fluttered and so glowing with his good intentions, that his broken voice would scarcely answer to his call. He had been sobbing violently in his conflict with the Spirit, and his face was wet with tears.


What the hell! I'm back in bed? And, hey, I'm not crying. I have allergies! ... I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future! And Parallel Time and, if need be, an alternate timeline or two. The Spirits of all shall strive within me. Oh Player! Heaven, and the Christmas Time be praised for this. I say it on my knees. ... My Phillies bed curtains! They have not been torn down!
I don't know what to do! I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a schoolboy. I am as giddy as a drunken man. Actually, I still have half a load on after all the Celebration Ales. ... A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world! Hallo here! Whoop! Hallo! ... There's a kid outside the window. Hello boy, what day is it!


Today? Why it's Christmas Day!


Boy, are the tofu turkeys still hanging in the health food store window?


I should think so, goober.


Go and buy them!


Bite me!


Bite me? ... Goober? What a remarkable boy! It is a pleasure talking to him. Boy, I am in earnest. Take this money and bring the tofulterer. Be back in less than 5 minutes and I'll give you one of these bigger coins.


Yes sir!


Those fake turkeys will make Tiny Tim's eyes pop out. And they're healthy, so long as you don't have a hormone problem or certain cancers. ... Ah! The turkeys are here. Nasty looking things. ... Take them by cab to 330 Admiral Wilson Boulevard in Camden Towne. And be careful not to get mugged!


Yes sir!


Now I need to buy some presents! ... Let's see. ... OK, I'll give Cratchit a raise and full health benefits for Tiny Tim. And no penalty for pre-existing conditions. I wonder if Cratchit golfs? Maybe a set of clubs! For Tiny Tim ... a football. Maybe he won't grow up to be such a sissy. For the other kids, iPhones. A family plan for all of them with unlimited minutes and an internet package with Google! For Mrs. Cratchit, booze. Lots of booze. ... Look! There go the two solicitors. Hello! Merry Christmas! I hope you were successful yesterday.


Mr. Scrooge?


Or Liker, if you prefer. That is my name, and I fear it may not be pleasant to you. Allow me to ask your pardon. And will you have the goodness to accept a big bag of these silly coins?


Allah be praised!


My dear Mr Scrooge, are you serious?


If you please. Not a farthing less -- by the way, what the hell is a farthing anyway? A great many back payments are included in it, I assure you.


Yes Mr. Scrooge! Thank you, Mr. Scrooge!


Now. ... What else? Fred! Yes! I'll write Fred back into the ending!