A Christmas Carol: It's called NEW JERSEY

When Atown-Liker awoke, it was so dark, that looking out of bed, he could scarcely distinguish the transparent window from the opaque walls of his chamber. He was endeavouring to pierce the darkness with his ferret eyes, when the chimes of a neighboring church struck the four quarters. So he listened for the hour.

To his great astonishment the heavy bell went on from six to seven, and from seven to eight, and regularly up to twelve; then stopped. Twelve. It was past two when he went to bed. The clock was wrong. An icicle must have got into the works. Twelve.

What the hell? Did I sleep through a whole day and into the next night? Was I that freakin' loaded? Maybe there were some kinda mushrooms in that beer. ... Can't see a damn thing out this window, it's so foggy and dark. ... I'm going back to sleep. ... Zzzzz

Rise and come with me.

WTF???

I am the spirit whose coming was foretold to you, the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Long past?

No. My past. Rise and walk with me.

Huh? ... But I am mortal and liable to fall. I fell down the steps at the Brew Works just last week.

Then you fall, jackass. Man up, Nancy. Let's roll.

Oh my goodness. I'm flying. What is this place?

It is called Allentown.

Hmmm. This seems like only a couple of years ago, but I don't remember this at all.

That is because it was ignored. It is a press conference in 2005. A political candidate is being marginalized by a newspaper reporter. Democracy is being undermined before our eyes.

What does this have to do with me?

Nothing. Now let me take you to the Rose Garden ...

Stop right there!

You seek to stifle my dissent!

You are not the Ghost of Christmas Past, I am. You are so off topic!

Apologist!

Beat it! ... I'm sorry, he always does that. Now, where were we?

Oh, no! I'm not going anywhere with you. You're nothing but trouble. I want that other guy back!

Quiet now. We're off!

You'll let me fall! I know you. You were Gen. Trexler's guardian angel. He died in a car crash while you were changing your lite string. You were my guardian angel when I was poisoned and left for dead in an alley. You were the Countess of Monaco's guardian angel when her cosmetic surgery was botched and she was poisoned. You were the Player's guardian angel when Karl nearly took his head off. ...

... And I was Truman's guardian angel when he overdosed on pills and booze. Betcha didn't know that!

Help! ... Hey, wait, I know this place. I was bred here!

Your lip is trembling. And what is that upon your cheek?

Vomit. I had a rough night.

Do you recollect the way?

Remember it! I could walk it blindfolded.

Strange to have forgotten it for so many years. It's called NEW JERSEY. ... Isn't that the place you complain about so much. ... About all the Yankees fans from NEW JERSEY. Are you yourself not from NEW JERSEY?

Shhh. Don't say that. We were Phillies fans in my neighborhood.

Let us see another Christmas! ... Behold, your sister, Fan!